Very Interesting to Watch

Yesterday I got given the Death Project at work.

That’s not its real name – but the effect is similar. Lets just call it large – Large, even. And while the ‘feather in the cap’ opportunity is high, the Cost of Failure is also potentially huge.

So, while I am attempting to co-ordinate a team of brains twice the size of mine, with paypackets twice the size of mine, and reputations in the business to match – I am also, as they say, shitscared.

What is interesting to watch is not the unfolding of the Death Project, or the machinations of several super-capable brains – it is the panic reactions of my own stupid head.

Today I had some panic attacks – shortness of breath, extreme rapidity of heart rate, and sense of impending failure. This is fairly normal for me – I’ve been prone to thinking I cannot succeed for many years. What is interesting is that today, instead of succumbing I actually acknowledged, smiled, and moved on.

I’m still shitscared, I’m still anxious as all fcuk, but I am also very aware of the way my head is trying to break me. I find it very interesting to watch the way I try to defeat myself, and even more interesting that I can actually see it.

I’m not sure what this means, but I think I owe the world to my dear wife, and the Small Man. Both these people have been as mentors to me.